Butterfly effect sending
S h o c k w a v e s
Through my senses
On the other side of the Earth
S p l i t s , Shifts, Shakes
Me up.
So close,
I don't want to move
So close,
I don't want to make you look
Minute gestures that reach through my unawareness
& wake me up
& open my eyes
To your eyes, when they hold me
still.
Brown gems that
Captivate,
Capture,
Pillage & plunder
My running
Dialogue.
Tell me how your feelings
move.
With those chocolate diamonds.
This sweet little game
Boils new.
Waiting for small moments
When small windows are passed
& glimpses inside are
F l e e t i n g
Tiny opportunities
Flecked over time
Similarities with
Your skin.
Warm curls
Shaped carlessly
Freely
Like your spirit can't be [contained]
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Unfocused
Blurring of the vision
I cannot see
My future
& I try not to care.
Why must everything be black & white?
Why must I plan?
Why must I try?
Always, struggling
Fighting myself.
Why can't I just do?
At crossroads.
I don't know what is next.
I am rebelling
Against my domestic veins.
My wings strapped tight
Chaffing
Flesh ripping & bleeding
Under bindings
Wrapping body & mind & soul
I am a prisoner behind the bars
Of my teeth
Chained to the back
Of my skull
Pulling at the membrane
Trying to make room
For this big thing I feel.
Simple & complex
Complex & simple
They are different
& the same
Simultaneously
They are funny & serious
Hot & cold
Long & short
Existential & real
Real
Real REal
Reality...
What the fuck is reality?
We are losing ourselves
Our world
To a bank of illusions
Holograms
A belief system.
Currency...
Is it synonymous to God?
Individuality...
Are we becoming one destructive voice?
Difference...
What happened to diversity?
Or am I just in the wrong part of the world?
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Mmm... Let's go somewhere hidden & secret where we can
Be soft with each other.
Let's define the word Electricity.
Let's create the word Voltage.
Let's embrace each other.
Feel our arms around each other.
We were made for this.
We were made for touching
& loving.
So love me true & I will return the honesty.
This is humanity.
The arms & hands & fingers
We were given to touch with;
To love with.
Let's love each other with these
Nerves we were born with.
Let's fire up this passion we were given
To feel with.
Let's make love
With these bodies we were given
To love with.
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Oh so implausible it is.
Miles apart.
Breaking a hea... no. A mind.
Breaking a prom... no.
No, those promises were broken
Before I got there to break them myself.
"She made the decision for us."
What am I to you?
Nothing at all.
Nothing, & so you are nothing to me.
It's about god damn time
I took a risk in the name of
Myself.
But with all risks comes a scare.
Is it real?
My feet are planted firmly.
I see it how it is.
Possibilities in place...
Will he be there to give me a
Little wish?
Doors open & there he is to say
"Bravo."
Or will he not?
His absence will prove nothing
But his presence will prove it:
Worth.
My tired beaten heart can't be unsure anymore.
My bank account of naivety
Is all over-drawn.
It all comes down to:
What is it worth?
I like the way you make me feel
& I think you like the way I make you feel.
I am happy when I am with you.
Could there be much more to ask for?
It seems like such a small action was taken.
"I think I'm starting to really like you."
But I am scared to death
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Reach & pull
Reach & pull
Gasp for air
Smothered
Life sucking
Drowning
In their words
Words
Eating up the air
Eating up the space
Invading senses, thrashing
A beaten heart
Like a paparazzi
Driving to crash
Puncturing lungs
One step forward
Seven steps back
Arms flail out
Reaching for something more
Something
With meaning
Feeling
Someone who really cares
Crowds no longer safe
Retreat
Into books
Retreat
Into self
They break you up
You run away
To glue it back together
One step forward
Seven steps back
Blind sheep in a herd
Hollaring madly
& you placate
Because you are
A Good Man
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Good morning to you
In one large beautiful bed
Fitted, bedding floating around
You. Large & luxurious
You
Soft
I sink into you
Arm reaches around me
Perfect
You pull me close
Puzzled matching puzzle pieces
A slim fit
A nose at my nape
Breathing deeply
Fingers make a pattern
Yours then mine, yours then mine
Ten times
Held to our chests
Dissolves
Levitates
All is floating in your bed
With you
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Watching hearts break
Crack, bleed
Running out, screaming in the streets
"Why have you forsaken me?"
Like the beast he strangles
That which he loves
Because he doesn't know where to put his pain.
A beautiful mind
Darkened
Hardened
Waiting for a patient listener
To hear his screams
Screams of pain he'll be damned if anyone hears
Because he has been hurt before.
Looking into fogged mirrors
He's afraid to clear the glass
For what he may see there.
Let's give him courage.
The power to overcome himself.
It's the hardest thing he'll ever do.
Eyes sealed shut for years fly open &
Welcome the intoxication of life.
Life he never knew he could have.
Love he never knew he could feel.
A world he never knew existed.
A girl he never knew until now.
A helper in a plain pair of jeans
Seeking
To be a mover and a shaker.
To rattle the world up and make them think.
Make them listen to things they don't want to hear.
Truths about themselves.
Are they afraid?
I know the pain.
The gut wrenching nausea that makes you
Cling
To your sheets and the anger that
Drives
Your fist into the wall.
"All I ever wanted was to love you."
Is the phrase you scream
While you dig your nails into your palms.
Willing the blood to come and pour.
STOP.
Listen.
Feel the beat of your heart.
Taste the air in your mouth.
Feel the blood rush in your veins
S . . l . . o . . w . .
t h e n f . a . s . t . e . r
& f a s t e r
FASTER
Until the rush to your head fills you up
& you smile
& you can't stop it.
& suddenly, you have the answer
& you are infinite.
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I hate you. You hurt me. It's not enough for me to be sad
but it's even less for me to be happy.
Smile smile smile. Show me that dimple.... slap. Put that shit away. Don't you dare shine in here. It doesn't flatter my rain cloud.
I only did what you have been telling me to do all along. But now that I'm not level with the ground you're throwing dirt up in my eyes. I can't be your pet. I'm not always going to come back.
You stab my ego. Damn you for loving yourself. Fuck you and your happiness. Get back down here and wallow in rage with me. Don't shut that door anymore. You keep it where I can see you. Leave your car parked outside. You've been free again.
All it is... hurt. Straining, tearing my seams, contradicting my dreams. You're too sad, smile smile smile... slap. Put that shit away. Don't you dare shine in here, you said. I only did what you told me to do. You must not have thought it would work. You're only happy if my cracks are bigger than yours. So I'm beaten... stay here and wallow in my filth. Where the fuck is my paper plate? Where's my reward for this work? Did it walk out the door again? Of course they're on the same empty quest. Where are my words?
Organize... feel... release.
I am too much and not enough.
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I'm broken. I don't know what I want.
I want him... then I want him & him & him... then I don't.
Then I want him to be as far away from me...
But then I want him...
Mouths & necks & teeth on skin/biting hips
Tracing thighs with fingertips...
Then I'm falling apart to numbers & names
& years that separate me from things beyond
My ability to control.
I don't know how to stop.
But he wants me & I melt again
Into his lap,
Fingernails on my hips,
In my hair,
I sink & stumble...
I can't stand on my own.
He validates my existance.
He is behind the bars of her.
She crowds him;
Occupies his eyes so he can't see me.
Really see me.
So I'm a happy image,
A cosmetic doll
Sprayed & painted & pushed up & nothing more
But for display.
I'm a happy drunk moment forgotten by morning.
Try me buttons everywhere but no one wants to take me home.
To keep forever & feed my intrigue
My brain that is so alone.
A weakening embraces evades
Curls my toes.
Just walk away. Leave it be.
She's there behind you
Watching you through walls & vines
& birds around my head
Inside my mind.
Attention sure...
This place I'm in is so alone.
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A bottle of Diablo, blood red core, &
waiting... waiti n g... w a i t i n g...
for the cork to succumb to the pressure.
Hurt & wine find a way to make you sick. Maybe if you vomit enough, the pain will purge too. Tears explode & release outside your body,
but
if you squint, you'll never let her see you
cry.
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I don't know you anymore // 01.28.06
Your face.
What does it look like now? That true gleam in your eye.
I saw it once. Then you hid it from me.
I saw it again. And you hid it again.
It's you who I saw. A real you I've only seen twice.
Two periods of time in which you placed your trust in me.
How long will you behave like a pendulum?
Memories I have of you and me.
Not youandme. YOU and ME.
A friendship I thought I had.
Then I thought I lost.
Again I thought I had.
Again I feel I've lost.
It's hard to care so fondly for
A creature who keeps shifting shapes.
A chameleon longing for an identity that
Allows him to blend in with the rest.
But you ARE different. And you can't handle it.
You can't accept nor embrace it. Anything that points you to the
Truth you push away. You like her because she makes you feel normal.
You resent me because I allow you, encourage you, to let it go and
Be different.
I am at my most content when you acknowledge me.
It affects me only because I can't handle your
Perputually shifting moods.
One minute, you're my friend and I feel I can't doubt that.
The next, you're a stranger to me, shutting me out.
I'm sorry if that kiss damaged us.
I'm sorry I overstayed my welcome.
I shouldn't have let my lonliness transform into
Impulse.
One gets the urge to cling to their friend's love when such love feels
Absent in a place one once called home.
Of course, you haven't left home so you
Cannot empathize.
I hate that you frustrate me.
I want to know where our friendship vanished to.
I wonder if it was friendship at all.
Was it an act? A lie? A fake?
I can't tell if you're for real or if you just desire to humor me.
Time time time. I consistently remind myself that these things take time.
But will it just be another cycle?
Another swing on the pendulum?
Will I feel elated by your kindness and faux friendship only to be
Let down when you get tired of me?
I am not a comfort piece you can pull off your shelf and fix up when
You need to feel better.
Neither is anyone else.
But of course
I'll be there when you call on me because
I am a true, caring individual.
But would you always be there for me?
No.
You have let me down before.
Who are you?
Why are you here?
What do you want?
What really makes you happy?
Don't offer your bed to me if you don't want to share your pillow.
I thought we had this understanding that it is all in the name of
Friendship.
These were understandings that didn't osmose.
Now I'm left here,
Questioning your motivation and your true feelings.
Why don't you tell me what's going on?
Or are you content with making me one of your many objects of
Annoyance and ridicule.
I poke fun with you, but I never thought I would become
The Ass.
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I'm longing. It's destroying me. I want and they give but it isn't enough. I want to hold him close but he slips through my fingers. Behind my dark lids, I burn.
I don't know where I am.
Looking like her will never be. Never. But I want it so bad. It hurts.
I crave and I lust. It's never enough.
Why can't tomorrow come today?
Arms and legs intertwine,
pulling back my head,
lips crushing my cries,
hard and demanding... I have so much to give. I have so much to give.
I see him... he doesn't see me. He doesn't want to know me. It's long and far away. A distance I can never bridge.
Lust burns fast... like paper. The ashes blow away and
nothing is left.
This crazy way of fun drains me. Emotion sickness overtakes me.
I feel the wind,
the grass in my hair,
the fingers on my lips.
I have a treasure deep inside. Unwilling to be opened, its wonders to be given only to he who loves me. It is my pride. It is my joy. So few have come this far. The only feature holding my body together.
There is something so alluring of the heartbreaker.
The intoxicating dream of being the one to mend his reason for pain. Being in the lead is rewarding. Coming second is manipulating. Tell yourself you'll stop before it's too late... you'll be lucky to come through unscarred.
This secret has lived it's life.
Time for burial.
Visit the gravestone and miss the coffin's captive. The lips and the eyes that are dead for you. Or many others. But for you, they are cold,
frozen,
buried
six feet under your heart that still feels, and only god knows why. Everytime you think of him you bust the wound. It never quite heals the same. Does it.
Confused beyond all belief, he writhes in his sleep next to me. I want to touch his head and put his pieces back together.
I wish I could sing a song of my own. It would be titled by him, inspired by him and closed with a tortured kiss.
Eyes painted dark and heavy, looking out through swollen sockets.
Stains on my cheeks and neck.
The shoulder of his shirt tells a story all too vivid.
Half moons pressed by painted lines,
evenly spaced and hurting.
I long to hold him in my arms at night. He has no name. Just him, the one who will bury his face in my neck and breathe deep. Steady.
Waiting for the one who will strum my story...
Blessed I may be, I can never get my hair to stay.
It falls in thick strands. Around his fingers. It's there for weeks.
Until he washes those used up sheets.
Sheets that tell horrors to my heart.
The envy that greens my throat and chokes me gently.
Time for this to find an end.
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